This is satire. Unless you want to believe in a talking pseudo-traffic light, in which case, you do you.

Paul Newman once leaned into my northern orange blinker and whispered the meaning of life. I shook, fair Beaconites, and not the kind of shaking I do when a guy visiting from Yonkers plows his tricked out Subaru into me. I shook deep in my core with the atom-splitting knowledge of the infinite universe, a knowledge I would only bestow on the anointed few.

But you get nothing, you new Beacon people, you late arrivals. You haven't walked the walk yet. Moving up here, gutting a house, going to the farmers' market and stopping by a local brewery to buy four-pack doesn't impress me. I bet you never even smelled Pete Seeger. (He smelled like cedar, and he was a lovely, lovely man.)

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Dummy Light on New Beacon vs. Old Beacon

Oh, who am I kidding? I love you New Beaconites. Nobody hero worshipped me until you poured in and drove up the rent prices. People would saunter by, not even cast a glance my way.

There was affection, sure. But you, New Beacon/Old-Brooklyn-by-way-of New Jersey citizens, you put me on T-shirts and postcards and hand towels. You LOVE love me.

So, okay, I'll share some wisdom with you. Here's a secret, cryptic message to consider: have you ever seen Rick Rogers and Ron English in the same room? THINK ABOUT IT! Oh, you have?

Look, I like to stir the pot sometimes. I can’t help myself. What would you do if you had to stand outside all day, everyday in snow and August swelter and hear the Beacon waterfall yammer on and on and on about how many selfies people took with them. And not to mention get crashed into once a quarter by your friends and relatives who seriously can't drive. I mean, I'm neon yellow now. What could possibly be the problem at this point?

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You'd find ways to keep yourself entertained, if you were me. At least three of the most troll-y commenters on the Beacon Facebook Group are fake accounts I’ve built.

Dummy Light's Warning on the Hiker vs. Jeep People Feud

Jackie Corley/Townsquare Media
Jackie Corley/Townsquare Media

I'll tell you one fray you never step into the middle of in Beacon, for real or for troll giggles: the Mount Beacon hikers vs. the Jeep people.

I made one snide remark on Facebook when a jeep lost a wheel and got stuck on the mountain.

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That night, I was surrounded by the Jeeps, driverless at midnight — we’re talking some Stephen King Christine-type nonsense. They revved their engines at me menacingly and flashed their brights. What could I do? Blink faster? I couldn't take them on. That’s all it took. You’ll never hear me say anything about the Jeep people again.

I'll leave you with that guidance, for now.

But also, for the love of all that is holy, please stop crashing into me.

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